This article I wrote appeared in the Guardian in the UK on Feb 13th 2007.  

How to be a good house guest

Tuesday February 13, 2007

Angela Stokes

I am technically homeless. For the last decade I have travelled the globe, enjoying the flow and refraining from making roots. The journey has taken me from cattle ranches in New Zealand through a palatial suite in Costa Rica to couch-surfing in Ohio – with many stops in between. In 2006 alone I stayed in around 65 different places. Luckily, since I run a website, my work is flexible and I make full use that flexibility to explore.
 
I love this lifestyle and over time have collected many tips on how to be a great house guest. More people are now on the move, leading nomadic lifestyles, than at any other point in recent history. It’s becoming a way of life, so I’m happy to offer some guidance for newcomers. These simple, indispensable tips come from firsthand experience and will, I hope, assist in keeping us all trotting gleefully and smoothly around the globe.

This week I offer 15 general tips followed by the top five suggestions for each main living area (living room, bedroom, bathroom and kitchen) next week.

Being a good house guest:

1. Be aware that first impressions last. Although hosts will understand if you arrive late at night, feeling tired and unsocial, try not to make this a habit. It makes it difficult for you to give a good idea of who you are, what you’re doing there and what you hope to experience during your stay. If you can manage little else, let them know you appreciate them opening their home to you.
2. Share a gift with your hosts. Whether at the start of your stay, during, or after, be sure to give something, which marks your time together and shows your appreciation. If they’re away and you’re house-sitting, you could leave fresh flowers or fruit. If visiting from afar, you might bring small traditional gifts from where you have just come from. Kids especially appreciate any gifts you share. Leaving a thank you note too, for them to keep, is always appreciated.
3. Be observant and try quickly to ascertain the “rules” of the house. Do these people leave their shoes at the door? If so, then follow suit. Do they always lower the toilet seat after use? Then again, do so. Do they have certain chairs they sit in? Then respect their habits and find your own space.
   
4. Make your boundaries clear from the beginning. If you’re looking for time alone and rest, state that. If you’re hoping to spend a lot of time with your hosts, at tourist attractions for example, then make that clear too. Whatever your interests, be clear from the start, to avoid confusion and disappointment. Re-emphasise your boundaries if you feel things slipping into a space you feel uncomfortable with or are not enjoying.
5. Try to keep your belongings together. Put your luggage somewhere with easy access and which is not disrupting anything or anyone else. Keep your clothes together and preferably neatly folded. Stay tidy in the bathroom too; I use a drawstring bag for my shower items and a wash bag for toiletries, placing both somewhere inconspicuous when I’m done. In the kitchen, try keeping your food and equipment in one area; use just one fridge shelf for example.
6. Choose good locations for your things from the outset. This may seem odd, but I’ve found it really makes a difference. We are creatures of habit and once things are in place, there’s a tendency to leave them, even if it’s apparent they’re not in the right place. By then, their place is somewhat fixed and that’s where they’ll likely stay until you move again. Choosing a good location when you first arrive can make all the difference. On arrival you’ll probably just want to put your bags down and relax – but know this: a few moments of concentration then can save lots of bother later.
7. When you move on, leave things as clean as when you arrived, if not cleaner. Everyone appreciates help with housework, so do your bit: strip your bed, sweep your room and tidy any kitchen or bathroom clutter.
8. Assess the house sleeping patterns and decide whether to adapt to them. This can be tricky but can be a great motivator for change. It tends to create more harmony if you flow with your hosts’ patterns. Do however honour your own needs and desires and find a compromise if necessary. If your host family loves going swimming at 7am for example and you can’t imagine even rising before ten, then try compromising at 8.45am and explain your situation. Most hosts are happy to make arrangements that please everyone.
9. Make good, clear plans to help set boundaries. If your host family knows that you’re scheduled to do something together from 8-11pm, they’ll more likely happily let you do your own thing earlier. But if there’s no structure, they may feel less secure that you’ll spend any time together, which can create complications. Hold respectful boundaries, like you would with a child: share yourself with them as much as is comfortable, but don’t give all your time and energy away.
10. Be observant and respectful of boundaries your host sets regarding their schedule. Remember they have a life of their own, besides. They may have commitments, like work, that just can’t involve you. Try to give space as seems appropriate.
11. Try to honour plans, to maintain a good bond. If you arrange to be somewhere with hosts at a certain time, or to stay a certain number of days, try your best to fulfill that. Of course, plans need adjusting sometimes, but stay aware that it’s a great gift they’re sharing with you – opening their home – and try to maintain respect for that.
12. If your hosts go away, overnight or longer, establish key details before they go. If they’re not returning before you leave, be extra sure about details like where the rubbish goes, and when, and where you should leave the keys. After a lovely stay, it would be unfortunate to create issues by accidentally turning off the heating, for example and freezing their house pipes, so get clear instructions.
13. Consider the time you have with each host a precious opportunity. This may be the only time you connect directly with them. Every person has something amazing to share, so for maximal enjoyment, try tapping into each host’s passion. (If you need tips on creative conversations, see Bliss Conscious Communication by Happy Oasis). Most people live in one place, surrounded by the same people. By travelling and meeting new people, a wealth of stories, knowledge and possibilities open up to you that many never choose to experience. Use this opportunity to the full. Why have you been drawn to share with this person?  What can you offer each other? Many people feel they don’t know anyone who really listens – be that person, hold that space for them and all can benefit.
14. Be sensitive to cultural differences. If you’re somewhere for example where it’s peculiar for guests to help make food, try to avoid the kitchen. Allow people to do things for you, if that seems comfortable to them. You may assume that going to help is the right thing to do, but for them it may seem odd and even intrusive. These situations may be especially hard to read if you don’t share a common language well, so just do your best, to maintain a happy balance.
15. Warn hosts if you have any severe allergies. Whether it’s pets, peanuts or perfumes, be sure to warn hosts if you suffer any allergies before you arrive and check for possible exposure.

Living room

1.  If you love doing something that affects the space of others, like singing or speaking live with friends online, try to notice the impact of your behaviour. Watch for small signs like coughs, yawns or sighs that may indicate your hosts are becoming irritated by your behaviour. Consider re-scheduling your activities, to accommodate your passions without rattling others’ serenity. Remember that you’re in their space, so try and find compromises, rather than pushing forward to satisfy your own desires.
2. Avoid bringing new friends and acquaintances to the house without checking it’s ok first, as this can be intrusive to hosts. They may feel threatened; remember, they’ve opened their space to one person, so if you intend to invite more, be sure to get permission first.
3. If you have a skill to share, share it. Play songs in the evening for example, or help their kids learn some new words in English or another language. Use opportunities like helping in the garden or washing a car together to bond and show hosts you care and appreciate sharing their space.
4. Try to integrate into the hosts’ patterns – feel yourself as part of their unit. How does it feel to be there, sharing space with these people? What can you contribute? What do you love about how they live? What is new, beautiful, endearing, challenging? Try to remain open, respectful and observant.
5. Always ask before using your host’s telephone. Preferably use a calling card so your calls are pre-paid. Similarly, ask before using other big pieces of equipment too, like a TV, computer or massage chair. Even if your host declares to “make yourself at home,” it’s courteous to ask about using anything that seems valuable to them. 

Bedroom

1. If you have your own bedroom in a host house, you will have more space to spread out than if you’re sleeping on a sofa. Still try to be respectful of the space however and keep your things together. Hosts tend to feel more relaxed if they see their guest room is still more or less in order, rather than exploding with mess and laundry.
2. Make your bed daily. It’s a simple and effective way to show respect. It doesn’t need to be perfect, just in basic order and this simple task can transform a room.
3. If this is a house with curtains or shutters on windows that are generally opened during the day, follow suit in your room.
4. Bring ear-plugs – they really can be life-savers at times.
5. Try to be sensitive to any apparent dress code. For example, does it really feel appropriate to enter the living area in nightwear in the morning? Does it feel comfortable? Or does it feel more appropriate to get dressed first? 

Bathroom

1. Find out on your first day how the shower works. Trust me, just ask. Every shower, without fail, has some quirk that only the users know about. Save time and the annoyance of getting scalded or frozen and just ask. If there’s a shower curtain, rather than door, be sure to extend it after use, so it’s not bunched up, growing mildew. If there’s a bathmat, pick it up after use and hang it to dry over the bath or shower rail.
2. If the toilet paper runs out, locate more – either in the house or buy more. Again, this is simple household maintenance that is often appreciated.
3. If you create an unpleasant smell in the bathroom, try to remedy it. Open a window, find an air freshener, or if you’re due to bathe, hop in and let the steam and shampoo smells dissipate the less pleasant fumes.
4. If a few people share one bathroom, be sure to ask if anyone needs the facilities first. In general, try not to spend too long in the bathroom; consider the needs of others.
5. Pay attention to how toiletries, like shampoo, work differently in different locations. In one place, the water might be hard and your shampoo gives little lather, whereas in another place the soft water produces abundant lather. Be observant and you can be more conservative with products at times, which is better for everyone.

Kitchen

1. Find out the rules for each kitchen. In particular, locate sharp knives, plates, chopping boards, washing-up liquid and towels, especially if your host going away. Locate basic things before they go – it’s so much easier than rummaging around yourself. Also be sure to put things back where you found them. Hosts can feel frustrated if their kitchen gets jostled and they can’t find things where they left them.
2. Do your washing up immediately – preferably before you even eat (especially in hot / tropical climates to avoid bugs). If you don’t clean before eating, then do it soon after. Offer to do all the washing up, even if not all the dishes are yours. Or share the washing up with someone and make it social.
3. If you suspect your host is not accustomed to your eating habits – for example, raw vegan or celiac – be sure to advise them of your dietary requirements before arriving. Some people may not feel comfortable hosting if you eat differently from them. Food is a very social aspect of life and tension can easily form if hosts prepare food you’re not willing to eat - so be clear.
4. Be generous with food. Offer hosts whatever you’re having, even if you suspect they won’t want or like it. Just offering creates an open, friendly atmosphere. Prepare a favourite meal for everyone, or perhaps something traditional from your home if you’re abroad. People usually love trying new things and taking time-out from food preparation.
5. If you’re somewhere where they’re not yet recycling and composting kitchen scraps, you can guide them gently. People are often happy to do their bit for the environment, but can be unsure how to begin. Your new energy in their space can help kick-start new habits. Show how simple it is to collect cans and bottles for recycling in a box under the sink. Choose a sealable bucket for food scraps, to transfer to the garden compost later. Help locate recycling facilities nearby or make a simple compost heap with stacked old tyres. Simple changes like these benefit everyone. Be a beacon for positive change on your journey.